Beauty Tips for Teen Girls

Beauty Tips for Teen Girls

When I was pretty I had a foolproof way of maintaining a slim figure. It involved a simple three pronged meal plan. School day, Saturday, Sunday. By following this plan, you too can attain the beauty necessary to make high school slightly less painful.
School Day:
Skip breakfast because you have cheerleading practice at 6:45am. Yes, it’s true you hate these girls, and you’re a cheerleader not because you give a rat’s ass about high school athletics or mother fucking spirit, but because it’s an immunization against the good grades and preferential treatment you get from teachers. At the end of the day, you may be a “brain” but you’re first and foremost a cheerleader. Suck it up, suck on Menthol Player Lights, but do not suck on candy unless it is the too slippery Estee sugarless variety. If you awaken with actual painful hunger pangs, a half grapefruit is acceptable, if barely.
Lunch will always consist of a Pepsi Light (they put a little lemony taste in and took out all the calories!) or Tab and a jar of apricot baby food. It has vitamin C which is Good for You.
After school snack: You and your boyfriend will not be able to leave the school grounds until 4:30pm, he has baseball, you have play practice, or forensics or one of those other things you’re doing to get into a good college. This means you only have from 4:40 when you get back home until 5:11pm to have sex and get dressed again before your Mom pulls in the driveway. If there’s any time left for food, eat something like 4 saltines. It looks like more food than it is and helps cleanse the palette if you know what I mean.
Dinner is the tricky because it’s entirely likely your parents are watching. Do it in this order. Eat everything that is not your vegetables, then go to the bathroom. Think about Andrea McCarren barfing up pizza on her math book in 7th grade and the lingering smell in the air even after she left and the janitor came in with the sawdust. Let go of whatever meat and potato you’ve gobbled up in front of Mom and the father figure. Turn the water on right when it comes up to avoid suspicion. Then flush as quickly as possible because your Mom hates it when you run the water and will annoyingly ask you if you’re taking a shower or washing your hands. Return to the table, eat your vegetables.
Snacks: Air popped popcorn and chocolate ExLax are acceptable. It’s not like you’re going to need your metabolism when you’re older.
Saturday:
Skip breakfast, unless there is bacon cooking in which case swap the Sunday and Saturday rules immediately. Mom only cooks one morning a week, so risk is low the temptation will be back in the morning.
Lunch: Claim you’ll be eating at your friend’s house. Tell your friend you ate at home. Calorie free.
If you are at home through the entire lunch event, eat whatever is put in front of you and when you’re cleaning up, eat everything you’re allegedly putting away. Eat pickles and olives from the jars in the fridge door. Are there cookies? While your mom is in the garden, eat them, but don’t get caught up in chewing or tasting, those are fool’s games. Grab a few saltines on your way to your room, promising you’ll be outside shortly. You will. Lay on your bed and watch the clock. For the first five minutes, enjoy the feeling of fullness, the clear headed-ness. The next five minutes press your hands to your stomach and note how spongy and bloated it feels, imagining how ghastly it must look. Think about Andrea’s math book incident, run to the bathroom and let it all go again Brush teeth, return to kitchen, eat three saltines to cleanse the palette, and go outside.
Dinner: Follow weekday procedure unless there are guests or you are in a restaurant. If you’re dining out, this is the one time you are allowed to both eat and keep your food, provided you eat precisely half whatever you order. No one will notice because you will declare everything so delicious you must give oversized “bites” to everyone at the table, insisting they taste it. Order last so you don’t have anything someone else orders, or you won’t be able to give away half your meal. If there’s company, eat with pleasure, but throw up in the basement and accept you’re losing your vegetable serving for the meal. Take two multi vitamins before bed to compensate.
Sunday:
It’s bacon day, don’t hold back. Eat the bacon. You waited all week for this. Eat eggs and toast and potatoes, drink orange juice. God that feels fantastic. You love breakfast so much. Do all your homework right away while you can think.
Dinner: You really did it this time. How much bacon did you eat? What’s wrong with you. You are so paying for this. Eat half of what you feel you deserve, which should be so little it’s impossible for any of your food to touch on the plate. You may not keep your vegetables. Take three multi vitamins while doing the dishes after you have freed this pathetic meal from your grossly fat stomach. If you keep this up you’re going to lose the ability to see the second rib and you’ll have to use one of the holes the belt buckle came with, not the one your father figure made in the belt because it had gotten too big.
Follow this closely and with the right amount of additional self loathing, you too can stay pretty through high school